It's Time For Some Changes

Well, with Christmas behind us, its time for me to take stock of the last year and decide how I can better myself in the coming one. Yes, that’s right. It’s time to make some New Year’s resolutions. You know I normally just skip this. But this year I’m really going to try to make some changes in my life. I’ve come up with four that I think can follow through. So here we go:

Resolution #1: As of this year, I resolve to act blindly, impulsively, and violently, with no prior thought to the possible consequences of my actions. I’ve been doing way too much “looking before I leap”. That’s gonna stop, I promise.

Resolution #2: I resolve to be far less tolerant of those who hold opinions different from my own. In the past, I’ve been know to engage such misguided morons in honest, open debate, hoping to either see their point of view or bring them over to mine. Well no longer. From now on, when faced with someone with a viewpoint that clashes with my own, I will confine myself to shouting incoherent denunciations of that person, preferably with heavy doses of obscenity thrown in for good measure.

Resolution #3: I promise to stop wasting my time investigating the direction of our national and foreign policy. Instead, I will focus my energies on highly charged emotional issues, such as the Terry Schiavo case, which have little or no effect on my own life.

Resolution #4: I promise to be more trusting of what I am spoon fed by mass media, especially Fox News, and accept their information at face value. I mean, forming my own opinions is sooooo much work. If they’ll tell me what to think, doesn’t that save me a lot of time to follow up on my other resolutions?

So basically, what I’ve resolved is that this year I’ll try to be more of an American. Happy New Year’s everyone.

Postal Service Saves the Children, Ruins Christmas

This week, the United States Postal Service foiled a major terrorist plot to kill and maim the nation’s children by destroying millions of suspicious packages. Postal authorities were initially tipped off by the huge influx of packages and the fact that all of them were from the same sender, a shadowy figure known only as “Santa”. When a background check failed to produce a social security number or any other official documentation, and returned an obviously fictitious address at the North Pole, officials knew something was off.

Further investigation revealed that Santa had been watching the nation’s youth all year, keeping a list of god-fearing patriotic youngsters on an apparent hit list simply called “The good list”. The fact that none of children on the bad list were to receive any of the packages confirmed the nature of the plot. “Evidently, this fiend’s intention was to eliminate all the good young Americans and leave us only with the depraved rabble we currently lock in detention centers or send to public schools.” said the Postmaster General.

With the plot safely foiled, authorities are now switching to the search for this terrorist. Fighter aircraft have been scrambled across the nation with orders to down any airborne sleighs or reindeer not broadcasting their FAA call numbers. Unfortunately, Santa has proven surprisingly elusive. In a clever ruse that tied up many of the nations security assets he deployed literally thousands of look-alikes at local malls around the nation. While these individuals have been rounded up and are presumably in secret detention centers with electrodes attached to their genitalia, they have offered little hard information concerning the whereabouts of the true Santa.

The arrest of one of his elves has aroused concerns of heightened profiling by law officials, as many of the nations shorter drivers are being stopped and questioned, or summarily shot. Citing the new powers provided in the Patriot Act, the FBI is requiring fir and pine tree farms to submit information on all of their buyers. Authorities have also uncovered evidence of an apparently separate plot by a rabbit to rot the teeth of children sometime this spring. The federal government is asking all citizens to cooperate with both investigations by shooting any rabbits or older men with white bears and a red jacket on sight.

Girl Rock Induces Spontaeous Sex Change in Korean Garage Band

Once thought to only occur in certain amphibian species, researchers have been left scrambling to find an explanation for the spontaneous change in gender in the members of a Korean garage band, apparently induced by their switch to girl rock. While the members of the Beanpowder Band still retain the outward appearance of men, they are now in all essential aspects women. While unable to accurately describe the biological processes involved, researchers have definitively identified the band’s choice of music as the primal cause of their change in gender. Several months ago, the band’s male singer left and was replaced with a female singer. This necessitated a change in music, resulting in a profusion of girl rock in the band’s repertoire. Somehow, heavy doses of Natalie Imbruglia and Avril Lavigne have turned these once men into simpering women.

Rhythm guitarist Chris Newton kindly took time away from his aromatherapy to discuss the situation with this reporter. Surrounded by candles and fresh wild flowers and with Blondie playing in the background, Mr. Newton seeped femininity. Yet he strongly argues that no change in the band or its essential character has occurred (clearly a strong case of denial). “Yeah I know that since we’ve taken on Un-ha we don’t do stuff like System of a Down or Panterra anymore, but honestly dude, I think ‘Sk8er Boi’ and ‘Don’t Tell Me’ rock just as hard as anything we used to do” said Mr. Newton in between sips of white zinfandel. “But of course, when we do a concert, we don’t just do the heavy stuff like that. We like to slow it down and do stuff for the ladies as well” At this point the interview broke down for several minutes while this reporter attempted in vain to stifle his laughter.

When the interview resumed, Mr. Newton went on to discuss changes in the band’s change in venues. “We used to play in this one bar. It had great sound system and the owner let us drink for free. But the lighting was terrible. It made my skin look all sallow. At our new place my face is just glowing. I don’t think it’s just the switch in facial scrub either. Besides, the old place only gave us beer, and we were starting to worry that we looked bloated on stage.”

While they have failed to identify the biological processes, doctors have been experimenting with a regimen of heavy metal, ultimate fighting, and pornography to affect a cure. The prognosis, however, remains grim, as the patients continuously complain about the needless violence and degradation of women in their therapy.