Postal Service Saves the Children, Ruins Christmas

This week, the United States Postal Service foiled a major terrorist plot to kill and maim the nation’s children by destroying millions of suspicious packages. Postal authorities were initially tipped off by the huge influx of packages and the fact that all of them were from the same sender, a shadowy figure known only as “Santa”. When a background check failed to produce a social security number or any other official documentation, and returned an obviously fictitious address at the North Pole, officials knew something was off.

Further investigation revealed that Santa had been watching the nation’s youth all year, keeping a list of god-fearing patriotic youngsters on an apparent hit list simply called “The good list”. The fact that none of children on the bad list were to receive any of the packages confirmed the nature of the plot. “Evidently, this fiend’s intention was to eliminate all the good young Americans and leave us only with the depraved rabble we currently lock in detention centers or send to public schools.” said the Postmaster General.

With the plot safely foiled, authorities are now switching to the search for this terrorist. Fighter aircraft have been scrambled across the nation with orders to down any airborne sleighs or reindeer not broadcasting their FAA call numbers. Unfortunately, Santa has proven surprisingly elusive. In a clever ruse that tied up many of the nations security assets he deployed literally thousands of look-alikes at local malls around the nation. While these individuals have been rounded up and are presumably in secret detention centers with electrodes attached to their genitalia, they have offered little hard information concerning the whereabouts of the true Santa.

The arrest of one of his elves has aroused concerns of heightened profiling by law officials, as many of the nations shorter drivers are being stopped and questioned, or summarily shot. Citing the new powers provided in the Patriot Act, the FBI is requiring fir and pine tree farms to submit information on all of their buyers. Authorities have also uncovered evidence of an apparently separate plot by a rabbit to rot the teeth of children sometime this spring. The federal government is asking all citizens to cooperate with both investigations by shooting any rabbits or older men with white bears and a red jacket on sight.